In the months following my son’s passing, I thought about how easy it would be just to lay down and close my eyes for the very last time. If I could just slip away like he did…all of the sadness, pain, guilt and confusion would disappear with me. I would not have to feel anything. It would all just stop.
But only for me.
Everything else in my life was accomplished by that time. I had two great kids up to that point. I had overcome anger issues and done a great deal of hard work on myself. My career was solid and I finally felt like I was where I needed to be.
The thoughts I was having were not healthy. I had my daughter to think of, and she was hurting too. I was a single mother then and had been for some time. At the time Lewis died, my immediate family was small. I was not married, so it was just him, Alexis and me. Sad that I would have ever thought about leaving my amazing daughter to carry the burden throughout her life that not only did her brother leave her, so did her mom.
Even with that knowledge, grief had enough power in those early weeks that the thought of checking out repeatedly crossed my mind. In fact, I was in so much consistent pain that I actively prayed for God or whatever existed of a higher power to take me off this planet completely. A car wreck or some other accident – just something to end me having to deal with what had happened.
Not everyone has a good support system to remind us that emotional responses are not reliable solutions. Fortunately, I did.
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Copyright 2015, Jana Brock, Author. All rights reserved. No duplication, distribution, use or copying of this material without express and written permission from Jana Brock or Starry Night Publishing is permitted. (c) January 2015.
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Dear Jana; You know as we continue along the present life journey with recent happenings, it seems that our thoughts are continually being drawn to those who feel hopeless and would rather not have to endure another minute of pain, suffering and emotional turmoil. However, that said, it is true that self-orchestrated death is a very long term solution to a short term set of circumstances. One thing is true, change is constant and nothing remains the same. Otherwise, none of us could stand to be here one second more if we thought we would never be able to rise up out of the bad times. We are grateful you are here. Keep writing and keep living. Loves and hugs, Mom